New Beginnings

This weekend reminded me about how lucky we are to be alive and all the things we can do with our lives. I had the incredible experience of being the non-profit coordinator for a 20k person music festival, working with 20 nonporfits changing lives and perspectives on our world. It was amazing to see so many walks of human life and everyone was so approachable, friendly, and wanting to share a little moment of their experience with you.

Not only did I learn more about the causes of each non profit, I learned more about people's passion for their causes. It's inspiring - especially because I feel very passionate about my cause, but forget that sometimes due to the "in the weeds" work that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I feel invigorated - I feel as though I lost sight of that through the daily minusha - but its found again. Each one of the people I interacted with could have just gone and partied, but they felt compelled to provide knowledge or promote a cause or support others throughout the weekend. I work that festival because I believe in those causes, and I believe in their passion to have their voice and mission heard. I want to help them make a difference and reach those that would support their cause. The festival is a perfect venue for that, and it is so rewarding to help these organizations do just that.

I also learned a lot about sober groups at festivals. I knew they were important, but didn't understand how much it helps those who are trying to stay sober at an event like this. They hold support group sessions to discuss feelings and help keep others sober throughout the weekend. They provide a friendship and stronghold that only those who are a part of their circle understand, but I can feel it from the outside. Its a support network to keep each other strong, on track, and help others remember their purpose and that their lives can and will continue to be meaningful. To hold down a steady job, to pay bills on time, to remain clean in an environment where it is so easy to slip - its so inspiring. These people are so strong and even in their weakest moments, they have others to help bring them up.

I wish sometimes that everyone was like that to each other - a world that is just one big support system of helping others and showing compassion and empathy no matter their situation. We get so wrapped up in our own lives and individuality that we lose sight of the world around us and our compassion for others. We are all humans, trying to find meaning and purpose in this life, absorbing (or not) knowledge about life and the world around us and trying to see how it fits within our view of ourselves. It isn't easy, and everyone has a different view, understanding, or emotion towards even just one aspect of this world. Its kind of amazing to see unity and feel love despite so many differences, large and small. We put it all aside to understand and connect, growing our own perspective on life, shaping our feelings towards issues and each other, growing together and knowing that things aren't ok now, but together they just might turn out alright.

I forget the power of human interaction. Friendship and love. I need to break down more of those barriers and not get so hung up in the day to day and isolate myself from this wonderful world and ways to connect with those in this world. It helps my soul sing and it helps me put my life and struggles in perspective. It reminds me that things aren't that bad, and we can continue to make a difference and grow together - there is so much love and support out there - why shut yourself out?

This weekend got me all excited to grow the business, get lots of exercise, create a healthier lifestyle, explore the world of canning through our CSA, explore the great outdoors, enjoy looking at and creating art, and so much more. Sometimes you just need an amazing weekend away to remind you of all the beauty and opportunity that lies ahead - there are people out there that love you, respect what you do, and that can help build you up and grow you through helping them. Keep helping others, because that is where you make a difference and grow your own mind.

Holding on by a thread...

I think I need to do this. Sort this all out through my words. Don't really care whether someone will or will not read this - this is for me. I just have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions and there is so much happening -- all the time.... I need it to make sense. For my own sanity. Make some sort of sense so I can continue to be a highly functioning human.

People wish me peace - what even is peace? How do you reach that with so many fluctuating aspects of life? Is it peace with yourself? Peace with exterior factors that directly influence your life? And if it's the above and how do you reach it and find balance? I know everyone's journey is different, and some people ignore or push things to the side to find peace, but, how do we find peace? I think that's something I need to uncover.

A lot is going on - a lot has happened - a lot of things that I need to let go from my past. Today's a new day. One month ago started an entirely new life. I feel not only responsible for my own life, but my business life and my mother's life. I lost my father. My rock. A part of my soul is missing.  A part of my life that kept me smiling is gone. I can continue that on in my own heart, but how do I continually remember? Remind myself that I need to smile in his honor.....

And grace - I ran out of time to give myself grace. I have too much responsibility to give myself grace. How is that supposed to work when business, bills, family, etc. all demand so much? I can find little fragments of peace but I don't have time to give myself that I so desperately need. I'm not whole. I'm fragmented.

I still feel like this....

.... an exploding star.... all sorts of fragments of me all around a center nebulous of energy. However, I can't stay exploded forever. I have to bump around in the atmosphere to find all of my pieces and try to put things together.... but things will fit differently. Things will be different shapes and sizes. Some things won't come back and some will be a different color. That's ok - just as long as I pick up the most important pieces along the way.

I think this blog title is perfect - Therapeutic Digressions - I feel like my writing will jump from one subject to the next, all at the end to hopefully make sense of whatever I'm feeling. Purely word vomit for my soul - so I can, maybe, feel somewhat normal again.