Holding on by a thread...

I think I need to do this. Sort this all out through my words. Don't really care whether someone will or will not read this - this is for me. I just have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions and there is so much happening -- all the time.... I need it to make sense. For my own sanity. Make some sort of sense so I can continue to be a highly functioning human.

People wish me peace - what even is peace? How do you reach that with so many fluctuating aspects of life? Is it peace with yourself? Peace with exterior factors that directly influence your life? And if it's the above and how do you reach it and find balance? I know everyone's journey is different, and some people ignore or push things to the side to find peace, but, how do we find peace? I think that's something I need to uncover.

A lot is going on - a lot has happened - a lot of things that I need to let go from my past. Today's a new day. One month ago started an entirely new life. I feel not only responsible for my own life, but my business life and my mother's life. I lost my father. My rock. A part of my soul is missing.  A part of my life that kept me smiling is gone. I can continue that on in my own heart, but how do I continually remember? Remind myself that I need to smile in his honor.....

And grace - I ran out of time to give myself grace. I have too much responsibility to give myself grace. How is that supposed to work when business, bills, family, etc. all demand so much? I can find little fragments of peace but I don't have time to give myself that I so desperately need. I'm not whole. I'm fragmented.

I still feel like this....

.... an exploding star.... all sorts of fragments of me all around a center nebulous of energy. However, I can't stay exploded forever. I have to bump around in the atmosphere to find all of my pieces and try to put things together.... but things will fit differently. Things will be different shapes and sizes. Some things won't come back and some will be a different color. That's ok - just as long as I pick up the most important pieces along the way.

I think this blog title is perfect - Therapeutic Digressions - I feel like my writing will jump from one subject to the next, all at the end to hopefully make sense of whatever I'm feeling. Purely word vomit for my soul - so I can, maybe, feel somewhat normal again.